You have have noticed that my last post was nearly a month ago. Heck, I’m not proud of that. But instead of wiping the blog clean and simply pretending it never happened, I’d like to acknowledge it.
As soon as I made the decision to graduate early, I was feeling lost and confused, and thought I needed to jump on The Next Big Thing to feel complete in my life. I am always on the go and I like to distract myself instead of dealing with my feelings. I pride myself on my productivity, on my many passions and career goals. But this was a time for me to take care of myself, to heal up, and it’s impossible to be real with yourself when you’re always catapulting from one goal to the next.
I’m a total analytical junkie. I love thinking, I love numbers, and I love running through my thoughts. Is this valid? I might think. Am I enjoying myself enough? What could be a better use of my time?
All this questioning made me really unhappy. I knew over thinking was not the answer. I knew it was making me unhappy — I just didn’t know how to stop it. I thought this blog would help me — but in the first week, I fought my thoughts every day. I felt like an imposter, a preacher of self-worth and confidence that I did not have — did not even come close to having. But I wrote, still, tried to keep my head up and positivity on my brain.
I’ve learned you can’t force the cycle of thoughts to stop. I slowly had to ramp myself down from over thinking everything to only thinking about the necessities. It was a total pain. I hated slamming the brakes on my brain — in a weird way, it felt like I was limiting myself,even though in reality, I was freeing myself up to be more productive about real issues. Obsessing can be addictive to me — once I start, it’s hard to stop. So I had to take another approach — I tried not to let myself start thinking at all.
I hung out with people. I buried myself in books. I ran to the tunes of bass-thumping pop music. I wrote fiction — one of the few forms of where I allow myself total freedom. I tried to do things — quite simply, I tried to do things that made me feel like me, things that had fallen by the wayside.
I messed up a ton. I’m only human. But it was only recently that I’d realized that I stopped thinking and started being happy.
I took this month to slow down. I might not have documented it all, but here are some highlights:
- November 15: I went on a scavenger hunt at The Metropolitan Museum of Art, through Watson Adventures. My team won the challenge, coming in first place on a trivia hunt! We were so shocked that we won (we’ve done several and always tied or lost by a point or two) that we started laughing when we heard the results!
- November 26: I went to the library for fun for the first time in forever and read Insurgent cover to cover in three hours.
- November 27: I took time to cook and spend some time with my family on Thanksgiving. Watching the parade and the dog show on TV is a must-do (I was totes rooting for the Sammy dog.) I also finished up my final essays and presentations for classes.
- November 28: Went shopping with my mom very late in the day (no a.m. rushing for us!) and managed some good deals nonetheless.
- December 1 & 2: Watched the entirety of season seven of Supernatural on Netflix. #noregrets #whoops I also cooked a lot of vegetables.
- December 3: I remember being grateful for the hauntingly beautiful moon on a late night stroll.
- December 5: I gave my final presentation for one of my favorite classes — thereby finishing all of my undergraduate work (except going to classes) until my final on December 16. (The presentation, by the way, was on Gluten Free Hudson Valley.)
- December 7: I met up with a friend from ASME and explored Manhattan. Followed through with the tradition of going to Rockefeller Center and stopped off at the Plaza as well as our old stomping grounds.
- December 8: I slept for 16 hours (unheard of for me!) and it was glorious.
In between, I caught up on my laundry, chatted with family and generally enjoyed myself. Have I done anything remarkable? No, not really. But I’m recharging my batteries, I’m happier than ever…and I think not writing that down, that sort of progress, would be a damn shame.
I’d be lying if I said I was happy all the time. But I’ve made bits of progress where it counts. The negative inner self-talk is now recognizable, and I’m stomping it out. I try to find the good in situations instead of immediately jumping to the worst possible scenario. I’ve learned there is a time and place for relaxing, and sometimes you need to embrace it, not fall into it kicking and protesting (my usual strategy.)
I’ve come a long way in (just under) one month. Every day feels more possible to live the life I’ve imagined for myself.
I couldn’t have written this post a month ago. I’m glad I can write it now.
Day 33 Mantra: Don’t beat yourself up over the lack of a log — the important part is the result of the journey.