I think this week was a reality check. I never really thought about how hard it would be to change my ways. I joke around that I’m a total old lady — complete with a get-off-my-lawn attitude — but now I’m realizing how much of that is true.
I’m a bit set in my ways. Even when I’m consciously keeping this blog on the back burner in my mind, I find myself slipping back to negativity and incessant worrying.
Most of the time, I win. But sometimes, I find myself thinking just the way I’m determined to move past — they’re thoughts without optimism, without authority or self-confidence.
I know I have those things. On some level, I’ve been coasting on the minimal amount of effort. And as someone who takes comfort in structure, the structure of my negativity-filled life looks almost appealing from the outside.
What could possibly be appealing about re-listing the negatives in your head, you think? It’s familiar. It’s known.
I have known I am my own worst enemy for a long time. It’s so easy to internalize events that may have nothing to do with you, and apply them to your own self-worth. And when you do this often enough, it feels normal. You internalize it, make it this ideology — and you don’t realize how false it is. For all you know, it is the truth. It’s just how you exist. There is no problem — there is only existing.
But I thought I was past this part of my life, this stifling viewpoint, or at least, that I would always recognize when I succumbed to its mantras once more.
I thought I’d thrown away my negative ideology and embraced the truth — that my life is fantastic, that I have so many supportive family members and friends and loved people in my life — but that’s not always what happens.
Examining the truth in your life changes everything. Suddenly, you’re faced with this new ideology that makes you laugh at your old ways. You see how wrong you were — and how hopeful the future can be.
But adapting to this new lifestyle is not so easy.
You would think that the positivity would be primarily comforting — but its most prominent characteristic is its unfamiliarity.
It’s like trying on a new dress for the first time, really. You want to like it…but it’s so different. And no matter how many people compliment you, or even when you see yourself in a mirror once in a while and smile at the fit — it still takes a while. It doesn’t quite feel like yours until you’ve worn it a lot.
I’m going to wear out this positivity until it’s mine. I just have to keep trying.
Day 7 Mantra: Wear out your positivity. It might feel weird at first, and that’s okay.
Also, it is totally impossible not to smile when listening to this jam: